In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors
by cattyk8
Summary: The epic battle between East Coast dynasties that never was: Lex Luthor loses big to Bruce Wayne, who doesn't appear to know he's even in the game. Clark Kent reports.
1. Chapter 1

**In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors**

* * *

**Summary:**

The epic battle between East Coast dynasties that never was: Lex Luthor loses big to Bruce Wayne, who doesn't appear to know he's even in the game. Clark Kent reports.

* * *

**Notes:**

I'm hoping this fic can be read as a standalone, but just in case, here are the previous fics in this series:  
1\. Bridesmaids, Beyoncé, and Bruce Wayne  
2\. Breaking News: Billionaire's Kidnapping Bungled

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"Kent!" Perry White bellows at a volume that would have Clark sitting up and whimpering even if he weren't secretly a superhero capable of hearing the proverbial butterfly's wingbeat halfway across the globe.

"I'm here, Chief!" he calls out snappily.

"Don't call me chief, Kent, and I need you to get going!"

"Where to, Chief?"

"Kent, what did I just tell you? Don't call me chief! Haul your ass over to Galaxy Communications. I need you there yesterday!"

Adjusting his glasses, Clark frowns at his boss. "You mean WayneCom? If you'll remember, Wayne Enterprises bought out Galaxy Communications after the previous owner was found to be in collusion with—"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to your mother, or someone else who cares, Kent. Just get there. Luthor's agreed to let the press in on his big meetup with Wayne, and he got Wayne to agree to it! You're our Wayne guy, and unlike Lane here, Luthor doesn't have a restraining order out against you, so get going!"

"Sure thing, Chief!" Clark has already hopped up, managing to knock a mug full of pens and pencils over in the process. He scrambles to set his desk to rights and gather his things.

"Don't call me Chief! And I expect an article in my inbox before you clock out, Kent, or you'll be covering the neighborhood watch beat for a month!"

"I'll have it for you lickety-split!"

"Are you shitting me, Kent? Lickety-split? Great Caesar's ghost! Reporters these days!"

"Ah, to be fair, 'great Caesar's ghost' is no more contemporary an expression than—"

"Shut up, Kent! Didn't I say to get going? And bring that video camera doohickey! You know we need video content for the website, and Brucie news is always better with video footage, God love him."

"Sure thing, Chief!"

"Don't call me Chief!"

One table over, Lois rolls her eyes at Clark's fumbling as he manages to break two pencils, drop his notebook, and just narrowly miss sending his video recorder skidding into a trash bin.

"Wayne _and_ Luthor? No wonder you're a hot mess. Still, better you than me, Smallville."

Clark pushes his glasses up his nose. "Ah, well, Wayne's not that bad, even if Luthor is."

The lavender clad reporter makes a sound that's equal parts delicateness and derision. Some would call it a snort. "Wayne's got the self-sufficiency of an infant and the intellectual capacity of one. And Luthor might be bald as a baby, but the man's mother must have mated with a shark."

"There's no need to be so harsh, Lois."

"Smallville, I swear you're even nicer than Superman. All I'm saying is that neither of them are exactly Justice League material, now are they? Anyway, don't let me keep you. You've got a couple of billionaires to shadow!"

"All right, see you later, Lois!" Clark puts on a show of rushing to catch the elevator. In reality, he makes sure to move slowly enough that he just barely manages not to miss it. As the doors close in front of him, he smiles goofily, remembering how he'd woken up this morning.

_He smiled into the sunlight that striped across his face as Alfred pulled the curtains back. He'd long ago given up on keeping the butler out of his and Bruce's bedroom. "G'morning, Alfred."_

_"__Good morning, Master Kent. I trust I can rely on your assistance with getting Master Bruce out of bed in a timely manner." That was butler code for "no time for sexytime today," Clark knew from previous experience._

_"__Bats are nocturnal, Alfred!" Bruce groaned, burrowing into the pillows. The movement slid the blanket down, and Clark smiled, seeing his boyfriend was once more wearing one of the set of boxers he'd given him a while back as a gag gift. Today Bruce was wearing a set called "Wings and Dings" with itty bitty disembodied penises adorned with halos and angel wings printed across a cloud-and-sky pattern. Clark spent some time admiring the man's bubble butt, only to recall his mission when the butler coughed discreetly._

_"__I will have breakfast prepared in half an hour, Master Kent, Master Bruce."_

_"__Thanks, Alfred," Clark called as the butler somehow managed to exit the room quicker than he could follow._

_"__Hngrh," was Bruce's reply, muffled by a truly excessive number of feather pillows._

_"__Come on, babe, you heard Alfred. Time to get up." Clark laid a hand on one muscled bicep and shook his boyfriend gently._

_"__Ngh."_

_He bit back a smile at his sleepy bat's grumpiness and decided to level up his efforts. He slid out of bed and hauled his boyfriend into the aqua-massage chamber—Clark refused to call the small room with its symphony of water jet nozzles anything so mundane as a shower—in a fireman's carry. Grinning wickedly, he set the digital temperature control to 58 degrees and set the jets to full. Then he turned the showers on, and it was a good thing he could fly or he would've fallen over laughing at the viciousness of Bruce's cursing._

_"__So what has you so grumpy today?" Clark asked when they were at the breakfast table, watching as his boyfriend downed his second cup of coffee in 15 minutes. It was a good thing Dick had already left for school, or the Dark Knight would've gotten a lecture on the health hazards of too much caffeine from his Robin._

_"__Metropolis," Bruce grumbled._

_"__Hm? What about it?"_

_"__Meeting Luthor at the WayneCom building there."_

_"__That's right. I'd heard rumors Luthor was wooing WE in the hopes of partnering up for a series or projects."_

_"__Mm."_

_Clark frowned. "Don't tell me you're considering it."_

_"__Have you met me?"_

_The Man of Tomorrow grinned broadly. "I suppose I have. Why are you bothering to meet him, then?"_

_"__Need to find out what he's up to."_

_"__How are you going to do that when you're meeting at WayneCom?"_

_One perfectly groomed eyebrow arched toward exquisitely coiffed charcoal locks. "Have you met Brucie?"_

_Clark grinned. "Then I look forward to getting the exclusive."_

Those had been words to live by, Clark decides as he trails after Luthor later that day. The bald billionaire has lost patience after being left to cool his heels in the antechamber of Wayne's office for over an hour and is now stomping around WayneCom in search of the WE president emeritus. A small crowd of distressed executives and amused members of the press follow in the Metropolitan billionaire's wake.

Nobody expects what happens when Luthor finds Wayne.

* * *

**Billionaire Breakup: Luthor Woos WE, Wayne a No-Show**

by Clark Kent

**Metropolis billionaire Lex Luthor's temper flares after Bruce "Prince of Gotham" Wayne misses a meeting**  
**to play with employees' kids in company daycare.**

METROPOLIS—A possible partnership between industry giants LuthorCorp and Wayne Enterprises hit a snag yesterday when WE president emeritus failed to appear at a scheduled meeting with LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor.

The Metropolis billionaire had invited several members of the press to witness the historic first business meeting between himself and the so-called Prince of Gotham at WE's newly acquired company, Galaxy Communications, now WayneCom. Luthor was left disappointed when Wayne proved a no-show after over an hour.

Upon learning that Wayne was, in fact, on the premises, Luthor personally sought out the Gothamite, claiming, "It seems the mountain must come to Mohammed."

After some 40 minutes of searching, Luthor came upon Wayne in the building's newly refurbished daycare center, which occupied the whole of the fifth floor and was fully equipped with both toys and educational equipment, computers, and more.

Both the press and Luthor were taken aback when the elevator doors opened to reveal Wayne standing on the roof of a pink and periwinkle playhouse, fists on his hips with his arms akimbo.

Watch the video:

_[Video starts, revealing Wayne in the pose described above._

_Luthor: Wayne! What is the meaning of this? I've been waiting in your office for over an hour!_

_Wayne: (Looking confused) Oh, Lex. It's you. You're not supposed to be here until two in the afternoon._

_Luthor: Wayne, for *BLEEP*'s sake, it's almost four o'clock!_

_Wayne: That can't be true. I'm supposed to meet you at two._

_Random Child (offscreen): Bwoos, yow a poet, you don't even know it._

_Wayne: It seems there are many things I don't know today. Like, apparently it's four when my meeting was at two. Have I been here four hours?_

_Children (offscreen): Yes, Bruce!_

_Luthor: Well, it's good you know that because I was here at two and you weren't!_

_Wayne: (Frowning, eyes darting around nervously) I was here the whole time. I've been here since lunchtime. You could've come and joined us anytime._

_Luthor: Fine. Whatever. I'm here now. What do you say I—_

_His voice cuts off as Wayne jumps off the roof of the playhouse and lands on a foot stool shaped like a pig a couple of feet away from Lex. Finger extended, the Gotham billionaire reaches over and flicks Luthor on the nose._

_Then he leaps onto another set of furniture and shouts._

_Wayne: The floor is lava and Lex Luthor is the lava monster! Run for your lives!_

_A series of scrambling sounds follows this pronouncement. Kids can be seen hopping from one item of furniture to the next, Bruce hopping right along with them._

_Luthor: (Muttered) What the *BLEEP*?!_

_Clark Kent (Background): Mr. Luthor, watch your language, please! There are children here!_

_Wayne: Tell him, Clarkie!_

_Luthor: Shut your trap, Kent! You get back here, Wayne!_

_Wayne: Catch me if you can, Lex! Betcha can't!_

_Luthor: Dear God, he's an imbecile._

_LuthorCorp Executive: But Mr. Luthor, Mr. Fox said you would have to get Wayne to agree before they could commit to a partnership._

_Luthor: Oh *BLEEP* me with a spoon._

_Luthor can be seen clambering onto a set of furniture, breaking it, and crashing to the floor. ]_

GIFs of the Metropolis billionaire cursing and crashing through furniture have since gone viral, many of these with animated flames, with the hashtags #LextheLavaMonster and #JustBleepNoSpoon.


	2. Chapter 2

**In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors**

* * *

**Summary:**

Brucie Wayne goes to LexLabs to make amends with Luthor and, predictably, only makes things worse for Lex.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Bruce looks smug when he shows up at Clark's apartment that evening.

"Well, I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish when you made Lex a laughingstock, but congratulations."

"Thank you. I accomplished exactly what I set out to accomplish." Bruce acts as if he is oil and Clark's sarcasm is the water that will not wet him.

"And what's that?"

"I've apologized profusely and asked him if I could make up for it, earning an invitation to his new research facility tomorrow morning. As with yesterday, the press has been invited. I assume you'll be able to convince Perry to send you, on the argument it will be a followup to your article from today."

Clark's glasses glint in the light. "That article beat the headliner for hits, so you're not wrong. Why would I want to though?"

Bruce arranges his face into Brucie's patented look of clueless innocence. "Backup for your boyfriend? More hits on your articles? Utter devotion?"

A sigh. "I'll take a combination of all three. Let me text him."

But apparently Bruce is one step ahead of him (what else is new?), and a text from his editor awaits him letting him know he's to go directly to LexLabs in the morning to shadow the billionaires' rescheduled meeting. "And bring that video camera, Kent," Perry orders.

So the next day, Clark has joined the reporter swarm—it's bigger than yesterday and includes more tabloids along with the business rags, thanks to his viral video—in trailing Luthor as he once more searches a building for Brucie Wayne.

Clark had watched Bruce slip away in the middle of one of Luthor's monologues (AKA rants about overpowered aliens who might seem friendly but could turn dangerous with a single shift of mood), and he knows by way of comms Bruce has broken into the server room in one of the sub-basements. But he's not about to tell Luthor that, especially since the Metropolis billionaire's Superman-flavored paranoia means all his facilities have lead-lined walls and floors, and he has no idea how close Bruce is to being done with finding whatever it is he's trying to find.

"Sir," Mercy says to Luthor. "Do you think he might have gone downstairs?"

"Oh for the love of Moses," Luthor mutters. "How would he even gain access?"

"Well, _someone_ has."

Clark knows Bruce didn't set off any alarms sneaking around, so he must be doing this on purpose. He switches on the little camera and dutifully hoists its monopod so it has a clear shot of Luthor as he and the rest of the reporters follow the man striding toward the elevator bank.

* * *

**Billionaire Blunder: Luthor Loses Wayne During Tour of New Facilities**

by Clark Kent

**"I was just looking for the bathroom," the Prince of Gotham says after being found in a restricted area within the LexLabs facility. Luthor baffled by how he got past security.**

METROPOLIS—The courtship dance between LexCorp and Wayne Enterprises continues as Bruce Wayne was invited to tour the newly launched LexLabs facility just outside the Greater Metropolis Area yesterday morning.

The tour was scheduled after Wayne failed to keep the appointment set with Luthor the day before. It was later found that the billionaire had been in the building the entire time, having spent the afternoon playing with employees' children in the staff daycare center. [Related: "Billionaire Breakup: Luthor Woos WE, Wayne a No-Show" by Clark Kent]

During the tour, it was noticed that Wayne had gone missing. He was found sometime later, having triggered alarms after accessing a restricted area of the LexCorp facility, enraging Luthor when he took to fiddling with the buttons and dials on what appeared to be a complex system of servers.

Watch the video:

_[Video starts with a jostle as Lex Luthor shoulders through the small crowd of reporters. Bruce Wayne can be seen staring in wide-eyed amazement at a wall of tech riddled with screens, buttons, and dials._

_Luthor: Wayne! How the hell did you get in here?_

_Wayne: Oh! Lexy, there you are! Look what I found! Buttons! I love buttons!_

_Wayne moves forward, running fingers over a series of buttons before stopping on a big red one._

_LexLabs Researcher: No, sir, don't push that button!_

_Wayne: This one? But it's so shiny! Ooooh, here's another shiny one. What does _this_ button do?_

_Unseen Reporter #1: God, he's like the blonde sister from that cartoon _Dexter's Lab_._

_Unseen Reporter #2: With that face? More like that doge meme. You know, the shiba inu? 'Many buttons! Much technology! So amaze!'_

_Wayne's finger hovers over a glowing green button, his face slack with fascination._

_Luthor: Wayne, you halfwit, get away from there before you kill someone!_

_Wayne: (startled, pulls his finger away from the button) With a button? Lexy, that's dangerous! Why do you have a button that can kill someone?_

_Luthor: (glancing nervously at the reporters) This is a secure room with safety features that include draining the room of oxygen and filling it with gaseous kryptonite. No one without top-level access should be able to get in here._

_Wayne: Well, jeez, Lexy, that sounds really extreme._

_Luthor: There are aliens in our midst, Wayne. In fact, that's why I asked to meet with you. I had the idea—_

_Wayne: I mean, what if someone who wasn't supposed to get in? You don't have kids, do you? 'Cause mine's a little monkey. He gets in everywhere! I wouldn't want him in a room with buttons that could kill him. Buttons are made of temptation, you know. They're there, you gotta push them._

_Luthor: Wayne, literally no one but you feels that way._

_Wayne: Nuh uh! Like I always say to Alfred—my butler, you know, but also kind of my dad? Except when he makes me wear American suits, cause then I know I'm in trouble and he would rather not be associated with me—anyway, like I always say to him, "See a button, push a button." It's like, a life philosophy._

_Luthor: Jesus god, I don't think you know what a philosophy is supposed to be._

_Wayne: Whatever, Lexy. I'm just saying a death button is just asking for trouble. And just cause some random person gets into this room? Heck, I got in, and I was just looking for the bathroom!_

_Luthor: Yes, about that. How—_

_Wayne: Hey, speaking of which, does one of these buttons open the door to the little boys' room? There's a button on my desk like that, and another button that opens into my secret bedroom beside my office. You know, in case I get any _visits _from someone special, so we can—_

_Luthor: Goddamn it, no, Wayne, there isn't a bathroom here, and I don't want to hear about your delinquencies._

_Wayne: Lexy, you really shouldn't talk about people's delinquencies when you were just threatening to kill me 'cause I really had to pee and you hid the bathrooms in here really well._

_Luthor: Just get out, Wayne. Just get out._

_Wayne: (pouting) Okay, but first can I go pee?_

_Luthor: OUT! All of you, OUT!_

_Camera jostles as reporters are ushered out. Bruce Wayne can be heard off-screen._

_Wayne: All this trouble over a little tinkle.]_

EDIT: As of this posting, several hashtags and memes related to the video above have gone viral, including #DogeWayne, #BeeBeeInLexLabs, #JustHadToPee, #ILoveButtons, and #TinkleTrouble. Several netizens have also shown support for the Gotham billionaire, sharing their own compulsion to push buttons when they see them. The term "puga pyga philia," supposedly "love of buttons" in Latin, has also gained popularity since the events recounted here.

* * *

Despite the lead-lined walls, Luthor's ranting is loud enough that Clark can hear him as they are ushered hastily toward the exit.

Once outside the LexLabs facility—Bruce having been escorted into a limo—Clark turns and walks toward a nearby park, thinking he'll need to find a space out of anyone's earshot before he can contact Bruce.

But he's underestimated the Gothamite, as a sleek black limo pulls alongside him and the backseat window rolls down. "Clarkie!" Bruce chirps in full Brucie mode. "I thought that was you!"

Clark stops and smiles timidly, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Oh, hi, Mr. Wayne. I don't suppose you'd be interested in giving me an exclusive about what just happened?"

Bruce frowns. "You mean when I got lost looking for the bathroom?"

"Yes." Clark struggles to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "That."

"Well, sure, Clarkie! Anything for you. Hop in, I'll give you a ride back to the Planet."

"Thanks, Mr. Wayne!" Clark beams at him and puts on a show of fumbling with the door handle before clambering into the back of the limo. Bruce has already scooted over.

"Take the scenic route to the Daily Planet building, please, Alfred," Bruce calls toward the front.

"Very well, sir."

Bruce arches an eyebrow at Clark. "So?"

"Whatever that room is tied to is definitely something Lex doesn't want anyone, much less Superman, knowing anything about," Clark confirms.

"Hnn. We knew that much going in."

"Well, as we were leaving, I heard Luthor tell that assistant of his—"

"Mercy Graves."

"Yes, her. Anyway, he told her that since they can't be sure of how much the press saw when you were found, they'll have to move up weapon deployment schedule. I don't like the sound of that."

"Hnn."

"Now it's your turn."

"Hmm?"

"Tell me what you found on those servers."

"Hnn."

"Bruce!"

"Clark!" the Gothamite mimicks. Then he relents. "Alfred?"

"From the schematics Master Bruce was able to upload before allowing himself to be detected on their security system—"

"Ha! I knew it." Clark realizes he's just made a grave mistake; he's interrupted _Alfred_, of all people. He ducks his head and smiles sheepishly as he meets the eyes in the rearview mirror. "Sorry, Alfred."

"Not at all, Master Clark. As I was saying, the schematics show Luthor is building some manner of oversized robot, and the designs appear to include some sort of Kryptonite-bearing weaponry."

"Oh, that's not good," Clark mutters.

"No, it isn't," Bruce agrees. "Which is why we're staying in Metropolis for the rest of the week."

Clark frowns. "You don't have to do that. I know you need to patrol."

"I can easily fly back and forth using the Batwing."

"That's not very environmentally friendly, Bruce."

"God, you're such a boy scout sometimes. Fine, you can fly me to Gotham for patrol and fly me back to Metropolis afterward so I can figure out what Luthor's planning."

Clark grins. "It'll be a pleasure."

"No bridal carry, Clark."

"No promises, Bruce."

"Hnn."

* * *

**VIDEO EXCLUSIVE! Bruce Wayne on Being Thrown Out of LexLabs**

by Clark Kent

**"I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad," the billionaire says of LexCorp CEO Lex Luthor.**

METROPOLIS—Gotham billionaire and Bruce Wayne was ousted from a LexLabs facility yesterday after wandering into a restricted server room. The Wayne Enterprises President Emeritus was found fiddling with the buttons and dials on the machinery, enraging LexLabs founder Alexander Luthor. [Related: Billionaire Blunder: Luthor Loses Wayne During Tour of New Facilities" by Clark Kent]

The video of the encounter has since gone viral, inspiring several memes and hashtags, such as #DogeWayne, #TinkleTrouble, and #ILoveButtons

"I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad," Wayne confided in an exclusive interview following the incident. "I was just looking for the bathroom. He's gotta understand that when a person has to go, they really have to _go_. It's, like, the bladder directive."

When it was suggested Luthor's temper was sparked not by Wayne's need to relieve himself but on his insistence on pushing buttons without first determining what they were for, the Gotham billionaire bristled visibly.

"Hey, if they're not there for pushing, why put so many buttons in the first place? Also, Lex said some of those buttons could _kill_ us! That kind of thing needs warning signs, it's basic workplace safety. I mean, in Gotham people want to kill you all the time, but the crooks are decent, honest types, so they'll tell you about it and not let you wander into some random place and possibly push a button that could make you dead."

Watch the video of Bruce Wayne's exclusive interview with the _Daily Planet_ below:

_[Video starts with a shot of Bruce Wayne in the back of a limo, clearly enjoying what looks to be a large tumbler of scotch._

_Kent: Mr. Wayne, can you tell us what exactly happened earlier this afternoon at LexLabs?_

_Wayne: I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad. I was just looking for the bathroom. He's gotta understand that when a person has to go, they really have to go. It's, like, the bladder directive. Or biological imperative. Like how in Star Trek, you're not supposed to mess with alien cultures? Yeah, well, in humans, you're not supposed to mess with your body's basic functions. See? I know things._

_Kent: Ah, Mr. Wayne, it may not have been your need to for a, well, lavatory that caused Mr. Luthor to lose his temper. You did push several buttons at random._

_Wayne: (visibly annoyed) Hey, if they're not there for pushing, why put so many buttons in the first place? Also, Lex said some of those buttons could kill us! That kind of thing needs warning signs, it's basic workplace safety. I mean, in Gotham people want to kill you all the time, but the crooks are decent, honest types, so they'll tell you about it and not let you wander into some place and possibly push a button that could make you dead._

_Kent: I'm not sure "decent" and "honest" are words most people would use to describe Gotham criminals, Mr. Wayne._

_Wayne: Oh, Clarkie. That's 'cause you're such a Metropolis boy. Most of the criminals in Gotham are decent folk who just can't catch a break. Or mentally ill individuals who need help from qualified professionals. But most of them are pretty honest about what they want and what they plan to do. Heck, half my hostage-takings have only come after the bad guys sent in warnings about their plans to the GCPD. And for the supervillains, they've got their branding all set, so any Gothamite is reasonably forewarned. I'd say that's pretty decent of them, wouldn't you?_

_Kent: Uh, would you care to clarify that point for a non-Gothamite, sir?_

_Wayne: Clarkie, you've been to Gotham. Heck, you've been to a bunch of my galas, which means you've probably been held hostage at some point._

_A message flashes across the screen informing viewers that Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent has been a victim in no less than six incidents of violence while covering events in Gotham._

_Wayne: You know. If the Joker shows up to a party, nobody's gonna push anything with a button that he brings 'cause it's either gonna be a gag or blow everybody up. Poison Ivy or Scarecrow show up, and you gotta head to the nearest gas mask supply that's now legally mandated in all public spaces. Get Two-Face, you know he's gonna flip a coin before he decides if he wants to kill you or not. The Riddler? Well, you know exactly what's gonna happen, just from his name._

_Kent: But, Mr. Wayne, all of these are life-threatening situations borne out of plans to harm or even kill people. Mr. Luthor was simply explaining his security measures to you._

_Wayne: Life-threatening security measures. And yes, Gotham's villains might technically be doing something criminal, but that's my point. My point is that everything's clear, everybody's honest about it. None of this "you might accidentally kill yourself and everyone present and it'll be your fault" stuff like you Metropolis people have. I mean, I heard you have a guy who likes to put bombs in kids' toys. Jesus. And you call _us_ savages._

_Kent: Did you just call Metropolitans savages?_

_Wayne: You're asking questions, Clarkie, but you're not listening to my answers. What I'm saying is, look to your own selves, Metropolitans, and let he who lives in a glass house throw the stones._

_Kent: Uh, I'm don't think that's how the quote goes, Mr. Wayne._

_Wayne: Whatever. You see my point._

_Kent: Er, not quite, but maybe we should just move on to the next point._

_Wayne: Anything you want, you strapping Kansan beefcake. I'm happy to give _you_ as many points as you like._

_Kent: Mr. Wayne! That's highly inappropriate!_

_Wayne: And yet also highly accurate. Go ahead and ask your next question, Clarkie. Although we can keep flirting if you want. Now that I don't have to tour LexLabs, I've got all day. And Lucius is always telling me to be nice to the press. I'd love to be nice to you, Clarkie._

_Kent: I don't think this is what Mr. Fox meant when he told you that, Mr. Wayne._

_Alfred Pennyworth: (offscreen) I can assure you it was _not_ what Mr. Fox meant when he instructed Mr. Wayne to be courteous with the Fourth Estate, Mr. Kent._

_A brief message identifying Pennyworth as the driver and Bruce's butler flashes across the screen._

_Kent: Thank you, Mr. Pennyworth. So, um, Mr. Wayne. How exactly did you get into the secure server room at LexLabs today?_

_Wayne: It wasn't _that_ secure. Like I said, I really had to pee, so I went looking for a bathroom. Thought that might be it, so I kind of went over and jiggled the knob a bit. Then the door opened and I got distracted from needing to pee by all the shiny buttons._

_Kent: But Mr. Luthor says those doors would have been secured by special locks that require biometric information to open._

_Wayne: Well, whatever. I think I want a wall of buttons like Lex's. That's another biological directive, you know. People have been conditioned to want to push any buttons they come across. It's a convulsion._

_Kent: I think you mean a compulsion._

_Wayne: Yes? Maybe? I don't know. All I know is that when a man has to pee, he has to pee. Lex shouldn't have gotten in the way of my biological imperative. Also, in all the excitement, I forgot to pee. Can I pee when we get to your office?_

_Video ends as Wayne shifts in his seat, visibly uncomfortable.]_

Mr. Luthor remains unavailable for comment.

EDIT: Since this video was published, the hashtag #BiologicalImperative has trended on Twitter. Also on the rise are the hashtags #GothamPride, #OnlyInGotham, and #DecentHonestCriminals, and netizens have been sharing heartwarming stories from their experiences with Gotham's criminals during muggings, hostage situations, bank robberies, and more.


	3. Chapter 3

**In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors**

* * *

**Summary:**

In which Bruce Wayne saves the day (and Superman) without really meaning to.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

The next morning, Bruce is jolted out of bed by a naked Kryptonian leaping for his supersuit.

"Whatever Lex was planning, it's happening now!" Clark says when Bruce groans, thinking his lover is just late for work or something. He's out the window and speeding toward the sound of screams from outside the LexLabs facility.

"Update." Batman's voice is wide awake and holds none of the morning grogginess Bruce had exhibited less than a minute before.

"It's some kind of giant robot bent on wreaking havoc. And I'm pretty sure the beams it's shooting out of its palms are green for a reason."

"Kryptonite," the Bat hisses. "Evasive maneuvers until Brucie gets there."

"I wasn't born yesterda—did you just say 'Brucie'?!"

The robot seems hellbent on cutting a swath toward Metropolis's downtown area, and it's all Superman can do to slow it down, what with its kryptonite deathrays. He keeps an ear out for Bruce, not sure what he has planned, and it isn't too long before he hears the Prince of Gotham's airy voice coming from deep within LexLabs.

_"__Lexy! Lucius tells me I owe you an apology for yesterday!"_

_"__Not now, you imbecile! How did you even get here? It's a restricted-access area!"_

_"__Well, Lexy, I just thought to myself, where would I be if I were Lexy, doing Lexy things? So I just Lexied my way around the building, and here I am! Because here you are, and you're Lexy, and so was I!"_

_"__What the hell are you blathering about, Wayne?"_

_"__Alfred says whenever I'm not sure of how to deal with a person, I should put myself in that person's shoes, so that's what I did, and your shoes that I imagined to be my shoes led me here. These nice reporters helped also."_

_"__Fine, well, GET OUT. I'm busy and don't have time to deal with idi—"_

_"__Oooh, Lexy! Is that a drum pad you've got? I had no idea you were even into music! Drop a beat!"_

_"__I don't—"_

_"__Oh, did you just get it? Here, let me show you how to use it. My kid has one of these, and we have lots of fun."_

Clark can hear Bruce's fingers dancing on the keys, and abruptly the robot stops shooting green rays of death at him. "Thanks, B," he says into coms.

_"__You know, Lexy, you should get one of the ones with the multicolored LEDs, those are much cooler than this plain purple backlight."_

_"__Stop playing with that, you idiot! You could kill someone."_

_"__Huh?"_

_"__Push a button and that might well aim a deathray in our direction."_

_"__Huh? What's that? Oh! I get it! It's not a drum pad, it's a video game controller! Oooh, Lexy, was this the project you wanted to team up on, a new video game? I should get Dick to come consult!"_

_"__It's not—"_

_"__He'll tell you he always beats me, but the truth is, I let him win! I'm a totally awesome gamer! Let me show you."_

Abruptly, the robot's arms fall to its sides, and Clark has to jump away as jet thrusters pop out of its legs and fire, taking the robot skyward.

_"__Whee! This is fun, but the superfast flying might have to be nerfed a little cause it's sure to overpower the gameplay."_

Lex grunts, evidently struggling to regain control of the, well, controller, but Brucie just laughs and keeps tap, tap, tapping away at the buttons.

The robot hits the mesosphere, then seems to curl up on itself (as much as a robot is capable of curling) and explodes, practically vaporizing itself. Clark hears Metropolis's citizens cheering on the streets below and shakes his head.

_"__Awww, what happened? I died? How many lives do I get? Lexy? Lexy? Why are the police here?"_

Clark shakes his head, grinning like a loon. He's only sorry he wasn't able to video Brucie's antics this time. This will certainly be one for Batman's casefiles.

_"__Mr. Wayne!"_ He knows that voice. _"Cat Grant, The Daily Planet."_

_"__Well, hello there! You work with Clarkie, right? I love Clarkie, don't you know?"_

It's about as close to a public declaration as they're ever likely to get, and the Man of Steel feels his insides turn to goo at Bruce's words.

_"__Yes, I do, Mr. Wayne. How do you feel about just having saved Metropolis, and Superman?"_

_"__In the lame video game? It was kind of easy. I didn't even need a tutorial or anything. Honestly, I think Lexy needs to hire new game developers. Or maybe it's just not his thing. I mean, we've got Wayne Entertainment for that stuff, which I get to test, but I don't think Lexy's got a similar department. You need to hire the right people so they can do awesome stuff, right? That's what Lucius says, and it's true, because that's why I have Lucius."_

_"__Mr. Wayne, you do know that wasn't a video game, right?"_

_"__Yeah, it really sucked. I only had one life. Plus it didn't make any sense. Why would people wanna fight Superman in a game? Wouldn't they wanna be Superman? Pow-pow!"_

Clark, at a loss for things to do now that there isn't even debris to save people from, uses his telescopic vision to see what Bruce is doing. His boyfriend is apparently impersonating Superman, jabbing at the air like a particularly sluggish brawler, or the worst of amateur boxers.

"Hey," Clark whines to at the billionaire via coms, "thanks to the martial arts training sessions you bully me into twice a week, I haven't moved like that in years."

_"__You know what? He can probably hear us, right? Let's go upstairs and find a window or something to call for Superman from." _There's a ding from an elevator.

_"__Mr. Wayne, I don't think—"_

_"__Are you coming, Ms. Grant?"_ Clark can just picture the affable smile Brucie is shooting at his colleague. _"I just had the most wonderful idea!"_

_"__If he thinks I'm missing out on this, he's got another think coming,"_ Cat mutters. Out loud, she says, _"Out of my way!"_

There are grunts as evidently more reporters than can fit an elevator try to squeeze into the car with Bruce. _"Please give the lady some space," Bruce says politely. "Why don't you take my arm, Ms. Grant?"_

_"__I'd be delighted to, Mr. Wayne!"_ Cat's voice has gone breathy and just this side of dreamy. Clark frowns.

_"__Please, call me Brucie."_

_"__Only if you call me Cat." _She's got her sexy voice on. Oh, barf.

Thankfully, the elevator dings again, and after a few moments, there's a whoosh as Bruce throws open a window that must be several floors up if it's getting wind shear.

_"__Superman! Oh, sooooooooopermaaaaan!"_ Bruce singsongs into the now-robot-free Metropolis air.

That's his cue. He swoops in, floating just outside the window. "Mr. Wayne, I just want to thank you for everything you've done."

"Well, okay, but what do you think about a game where you have to play the bad robot instead of the superhero? Wouldn't you rather play you?" Brucie's patented vacant stare lights up. "We could make one with the whole Justice League!"

"Uh, that's certainly an idea, Mr. Wayne."

"Which hero would you want to play, Sue? Can I call you Sue?"

"I would rather you didn't, Mr. Wayne."

"Oh, okay. So who would you play in a video game, Superman?"

The Man of Steel smiles, lets the clicking cameras catch the amusement on his face. "That's easy. Batman."

His grin only widens when Bruce turns and gives him a glare just for him.

* * *

**Brave Billionaire: Superman Lauds Bruce Wayne as Hero of Metropolis**

by Clark Kent

**Lex Luthor under investigation for alleged 'accidental' release of rampaging robot**

METROPOLIS—Disaster nearly struck the heart of Metropolis yesterday when a giant robot sporting kryptonite death rays terrorized its downtown area, seemingly run rogue from the new LexLabs facility.

Within an hour of its first sighting and before it could cause any casualties, the day was saved—not, as most Metropolitans would expect, by Superman or his fellow members of the Justice League, but by the unlikeliest of heroes: Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne.

On a visit to the LexCorp subsidy, the so-called Prince of Gotham was able to wrest the controls away from fellow billionaire Lex Luthor, managing to send the robot into the atmosphere, where it self-destructed. [Related: "Bruce Wayne Accidentally Stops Robocalypse" by Cat Grant]

Wayne reportedly thought he was playing a "lame video game," unaware that the robot he'd seized control of was in fact locked in battle with Superman.

"Whether or not he was aware of what he was controlling, he saved a lot of lives today," Superman said yesterday in an exclusive interview. "The robot sported a kryptonite power cell and its death rays were pretty potent. I couldn't really get close enough to do much damage to it before it hit central Metropolis. I was as astonished as everyone when it stopped attacking and flew up into the atmosphere, where it vaporized itself."

When asked how he would describe Wayne, the Man of Steel said, "He's a hero, even if it's accidental."

Wayne appeared to be none the wiser about his heroism, even after Superman arrived at LexCorp shortly after the police did, alerted by the live video of the altercation between Wayne and Luthor. Instead, he appeared focused on getting the Man of Steel to agree to let his company make a Justice League-themed action-adventure game.

"Think of all the kids who dream of growing up to be Superman or Wonder Woman or the Flash," Wayne said. "They'll get a fun and safe chance to live out those dreams, instead of pretending to be nasty robots like Lexy's game wanted us to do. We could even donate the profits to charity."

Wayne is well-known as one of the most philanthropic billionaires on the planet. The Wayne Foundation's projects for Gotham youths and anti-poverty endeavors have been lauded the world over, as have their efforts to keep the city's citizens safe and healthy. Some of these projects have included the provision of bulletproof backpacks for children attending inner city schools as well as gas masks in heavily populated areas.

The Wayne Foundation's efforts at supporting rehabilitated criminals have also resulted in some of the country's lowest recidivism rates, even counting its notorious rogues gallery, which includes the Joker, Harvey "Two-Face" Dent, and Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley.

Superman must be aware of this, as he mentioned perhaps setting up a Justice Foundation similar to that of Wayne's and promised to bring up the possibility with the other League members at their next meeting.

"From what I understand, Mr. Wayne does a lot of good for his city," the Man of Steel said. "I'm sure if anyone could be trusted to turn over profits to charity, it would be someone like him."

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor was arrested following the incident with the robot above. An inquest into to whether the robot was released deliberately or escaped accidentally is underway; reasons for the robot's creation are also being investigated, as LexCorp has no outstanding contracts requiring kryptonite weaponry. Bail has yet to be set for the Metropolis billionaire.

EDIT: As of this posting, the hashtags #AccidentalHero, #GamingSavesLives, #BrucieFTW, and #WaynersVsLuthors are trending on social media. Hundreds of netizens have also tweeted their interest in playing a Justice League video game.

* * *

"Spreading the Wayne love a little thick there, Smallville," Lois says, waving her mobile, where she'd been reading Clark's latest article.

"Like Superman said, the man does a lot of good." Clark pushes his glasses up his nose and smiles at her.

"Or you've got a crush, _Clarkie, _you Kansan beefcake." Lois smirks and waggles her eyebrows at him.

"Well, there's _something_ about Gothamites that has our Metropolitan cinnamon rolls hooked," Cat Grant says, coming up to sit on the edge of Clark's desk. "Did you see my video? Brucie asked Superman what character he'd play, and without even thinking about it, he said Batman."

Lois rolls her eyes at the gossip columnist. "Pretty sure everyone and his mother has seen that video."

Cat beams. "I know, right? It's got the highest hits of any video I've ever shot! I'm so glad I decided to follow Brucie to LexLabs. I don't know why Perry kept sending Clark instead of me."

"It's cause Kent gets the exclusives," their editor snaps from behind them, making all three reporters jump—yes, even the one who should've heard him coming because he's secretly Superman.

Cat shakes her head. "I really don't know how you do it, Clark. You're like the opposite of a ballbuster, but even Brucie Wayne will stop to give you a quote. Heck, sometimes it seems like Superman gives you even more exclusives than he does Lois! Tell me, what's your secret?"

She leans forward eagerly, eyes sparkling with hunger rather than humor. Clark thinks her grin may be scarier than the Joker's.

"Uh, just lucky, I guess."

Lois punches him, and Clark has to pretend to be hurt by it, leaning away from her fist so she barely hits him, then letting out a whine and rubbing his arm as if in recovery. "They can't get over how goddamn _nice_ Smallville is," she says wryly. "He won't even call a spade a spade and Brucie a moron."

"Because he's not!" Clark fiddles with his glasses to soften his frown. "Look at that idea he had about the video game—if it gets off the ground, it could be amazing to play _and_ help a lot of people in the process."

"Yes, but he had the idea after accidentally saving the city because he thought Luthor's muderbot controller was part of a video game," Lois points out. "Look, Clark, just face it. The guy may have his heart in the right place, I'll give you that, but multiply Brucie by ten, and you still wouldn't have half a Batman."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Loads and loads and loads of thanks to my beta readers, Holdt and serephent, who write much more amazing fics than I ever could, so do check out their fics! Also, I made fake memes/tweets for this fic, but can't put them up here, so you can find those in the AO3 version of this fic, under the same title and author name.


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